On being Alone

My husband and I have split up. I don't know if it's forever or just a week. I don't know much of anything right now. Wait yes I do. I know I have to take it One day at a time sometimes one minute at a time.. and that's about all I know. I'm alone now. I have moments of total pity for myself. A cripple in a wheelchair in terrible pain. I also have moments of feeling a Freedom I haven't felt in years. The freedom of not being afraid of a man's lies and deceit.. Oh sure I'm very afraid of the future. Will I be homeless, will I end up in a nursing home not able to do my artwork which is my passion. Will I lose my fur babies who are like children to me. Will I lose all my belongings once again.But I had to take that Leap of Faith. I just had to. But when leaping I felt like I was falling off the cliff! I still do. I'm 61 years old now and way to old to be going through this but I guess God doesn't discriminate against age. LOL   I have to make jokes right now. I have to keep somewhat of a sense of humor or I'd go stark raving mad!

So now I'm alone. It's not as scary as I thought it would be after 13 years of being with a man who used to take care of me totally.  I said used to .. He became someone I didn't know. In my eyes a Monster, the boogey man. I lost all respect and trust for a man I would have laid my life down for. Too many lies and too much deceit and I finally lost it and kicked him out. One too many lies put me over the edge!

I'm scared... . I'm scared to lose the only man I once trusted with my every thought. The man who was my hero ..

Being alone for me right now is very hard also. I can't even sweep my own floor! I can't take the garbage to the curb.. OMG is it going to pile up! I can't , I can't I can't.. I'm so angry that I'm a cripple now. It's not such good timing. I should have had my body wait. Yeah right! LOL  I'm going through so many emotions that it's nutso. One minute I'm laughing and the next I'm hysterical crying. But hey I guess this to will pass.

Will I ever take my husband back? I ask myself that question and the answer is Yes but with many qualifications to it. He has to get better with his problem. There are no but's about that. He has to stop lying. Not even a white lie. He has to start respecting me..... and on and on the list goes. yeah I wrote a list. I also became a monster. Screaming and yelling all the time. I hated that role I took. I would stand almost outside myself and watch this person loose it over and over again. These last few days it's been so quiet in the house without me screaming and yelling and I like it!! The dogs like it too. They are not cowering in a corner thinking they did something wrong. The dynamics of our marriage took an ugly turn and we both played some terrible parts. It's over now which ever way it goes. I want to pick up that telephone so bad and call him. I think I might tie my hands down for if I weaken I'll lose all respect for myself. and I have almost done that already with all the abuse I took. Both physical and mental.

Well anyways I'll stop going on and on and show you my Journal Page I just finished.

It say's " She Knew she wasn't alone".. Positive reinforcement for me to know that I have a wonderful friend who is standing by my side. My Yahoo Group know's what's going on and they are by my side. Praying for me..... and giving me words of encouragement. I need that so bad right now. I need to know that someone cares if even just a little bit. I could easily crawl up in a little ball and not ever get out of bed again. How comforting bed is right now. I put the electric blanket on Hot and lie there in limbo. I know if I don't get out of it I don't have to make these hard decisions. but alas I have chosen to get out of the bed a few times today. Maybe tomorrow it will be a little more. Or maybe it won't. I don't know.. My feelings are not in control right now and I'm a total control freak! LOL  This is a total uncomfortable feeling not being in control.

So here she is.. She is not afraid of the dark right now. At least not for the moment.

I'm adding this too some fabulous work over at the blog

"Create every day"

Check it out ..

Hey!! Thanks for stopping by.. Your wonderful comments always keep me going..

Robyn